The Conversation
by JAGgle Belle
Summary: The very first fan-fic I wrote in August 2014, and originally posted on HBX. It is the conversation between Harm and Admiral Chegwidden that I feel should have occurred when the Admiral departed JAG.


**Standard disclaimers.  
>**A conversation I felt was missing when the Admiral departed.<p>

May 24, 2004  
>2200 ZULU<br>Benzingers

Harm sat at the bar nursing a double bourbon. Surprised by the voicemail left by his now former commanding officer summoning him to Benzingers tonight, he was a little apprehensive as to what the evening would hold.

All of his efforts for a personal goodbye with the Admiral last week were rebuffed. Although their relationship took a detour with the murder of Lt. Singer, went off a cliff with his resignation, and never quite seemed to return when he was reinstated to JAG, in Harm's mind it didn't erase all that transpired before between the two, and the role AJ Chegwidden had played in his life and career. Mac was right in a way. Harm was the son the Admiral never wanted. He could only wonder what was now on the Admiral's mind.

Harm couldn't help but notice when AJ entered the bar the years of stress etched on the older man's face were somehow immediately softened. He chuckled to himself that maybe no longer having to put up with him may have something to do with it. He also noticed the bag that his former CO was carrying, finding it a bit curious.

Harm rose to greet him extending his hand, "Good evening Sir." Shaking his hand, AJ remarked, "Sir left the building on Friday. It's AJ now."

"What are you drinking tonight, Sir?" both noting with a grin that old habits would indeed die hard.

"Whatever you're having is fine." They both took their seats at the bar, AJ placing the bag on the stool beside him.

Harm motioned for the bartender. "Mike can we get another double bourbon please."

"So Commander, I guess you are wondering why I asked you to join me tonight."

Harm nodded. "It honestly was a bit of a surprise."

The bartender had placed AJ's drink in front of him, and now both men were playing with their glasses.

"There were things left unsaid between us that needed to be said Harm. Let's call this my first act as retired Judge Advocate General. I wanted to have this talk with you man to man, not with me as your commanding officer."

AJ noticed Harm shifting uncomfortably with the sudden deer in the headlight look. He'd seen it a few times before.  
>"Don't worry Rabb, this isn't going to be a let's sing Kumbaya and hug moment. Although I do remember us doing a bit of justice to a few refrains of Baby It's Cold Outside." Relieved, Harm smiled at the memory.<p>

"Do you remember what I told you when I first took command of JAG?" AJ inquired.

"Something about dropping me in your wake if I didn't perform to the Admiral's standards?" Harm stated with an uncomfortable grin.

"No Commander, not that", AJ sighed. "Although that thought did cross my mind over the years on more than one occasion."

"And as we know the Admiral did do it on one occasion." As the words came out of his mouth, noting the expression on AJ's face, Harm wished for a moment that he hadn't said it. Old habits do die hard.

"Yes I did." AJ finally took a drink.

Returning to his original subject, AJ continued "What I recall most of our first meeting is telling a then young Lt. Commander Harmon Rabb Jr., the hot hand in JAG, that there was no need to apologize for his service record which read like a cross between Top Gun and A Few Good Men. I told him that the Navy needed heroes."

Harm nodded, "I do remember, Sir."

"In my almost nine years as Judge Advocate General, you were my biggest challenge, both personally and professionally. Do you know how hard it is to keep a hero in check?"

"I know my being in your command brought with it its own share of difficulties, but contrary to popular belief, I've never thought of myself as a hero. I'm no Superman."

"For you Harm, it's just doing what you do. You have this sense of right and wrong, black and white, and the hell with consequences if something you are compelled to do or not do doesn't fit. Shades of gray are the rabbits you pull out of your hat in an investigation, in the courtroom, in the air, helping people, righting wrongs, all to fit into your sense of black and white. But sometimes we forget that heroes are human. Sometimes they forget it too. I forgot it. And sometimes, when they remind us of our own human frailties and weaknesses we don't want to acknowledge it."

Taking the last swallow of his drink and motioning for another Harm is a bit confused at the Admiral's point. "Sir..I…"

"Let me finish Commander. Everything went to hell with Lt. Singer's murder."

Harm nodded in agreement.

"Right on the heels of the Lindsay hatchet job, maybe for me it was one battle too many. You know when Lindsay was up for promotion, Captain Ingles asked me the difference between Lindsay's going outside the box vs. my people. It was a simple answer for me. Trust. I trusted my people. I trusted you."

"The feeling was mutual."

"Was it Harm?"

"I'd like to think so."

"But I didn't hold up my end of the bargain Harm."

"No, you didn't." Running his fingers around the rim of his glass, Harm continued, "I didn't either."

"I left you hung out to dry on the Singer case. Knowing you could not have, would not have killed her, I still ordered hands off. I prevented your fellow officers, your friends, from doing what you would have done without hesitation and reservation. Sadly, they listened. Of course they would broach me, but they all stayed in the box…. the very large box that I built. I could see in their faces the unspoken question, what if it were me? A year prior that wouldn't have happened, and we probably would have been dealing with the ramifications of another brig break." Harm smiled slightly recalling AJ's taking him to task years earlier for his escape.

"That's not who I was Harm. That's not who we were. The trust was broken. Maybe it was that an officer in my command was dead all that time, and I didn't even know she was missing. Maybe it was you not trusting me enough to confide in me. Maybe I was still reeling from the events of the past year. Maybe, it was a lot of things. For the first time I put myself above those I commanded, knowing full well that if the positions were reversed, you would have laid it all on the line, career be damned."

Harm was trying to choose his words carefully, knowing there were wounds from the events with the Admiral that had not fully healed.

"I won't lie Admiral. I don't think up to that time that I ever felt so betrayed or alone since I came to JAG. And the attorney assigned to me? I could only hope that somewhere deep down if it all went south, the Admiral was leaving an appeal avenue open for inadequate counsel. In hindsight, maybe I didn't leave you many options. But I was exonerated and it's all in the past now. "

"We both owe a debt to Gibbs on that one."

"That we do." Harm acknowledged.

"Let me ask you something Harm. If Sergei were the killer, would you have brought that to light?"

"I thank God, I never had to answer that question. I'd like to think that yes, I would have."

"I believe you would have." AJ offered.

"Another drink?" as Harm motioned to the bartender.  
>"Please."<p>

"Sir, I'm not without blame. I should have come to you with my suspicions."

"Yeah, you should have. Seems funny to say, but you should have trusted me enough. Then again Rabb, the only person you truly completely trust is yourself."

"Even I've let myself down on occasion", Harm admitted.

"You know when word of your resignation got out I got a call from Tom Boone."

Harm was surprised. "I wasn't aware of that."

"He told me what he thought in no uncertain terms."

Laughing, Harm remarked, "Tom is not one to mince words. I can only imagine that your conversation was similar to the one we had. He was not happy about my tenure as a spook."

Taking a long swallow from his drink AJ continued, "Perhaps. However, in my case Boone was right. I broke the trust between an officer and those he commands to do whatever is in his power to protect them, even when unpopular or questioned. He told me as I could no longer do that, it should have been my resignation tendered, not yours."

Surprised, Harm asked, "Your retirement?"

AJ ignored the question and continued.

"I should have been on that plane with you to Paraguay, or at the very least let you go with my blessing. Instead, I just let you walk away. Any semblance I had left as a Naval Officer and as a Seal walked away with you."

Harm was surprised at the direction their conversation had taken. Yet there were words left unsaid that he felt now needed to be spoken.

"If I didn't walk away, Mac would be dead. I guess I also realized that the man in that office was no longer the man I knew and respected."

The truth in Harm's words stung AJ. He held onto his glass like it was a life raft.

"You were willing to leave Mac behind. Why were you so willing to abandon her?"

"Orders. And there you were showing me who I was supposed to be. Who I had been. Damn, I resented you for that. That you had the balls to do what I no longer did. You remembered the values I instilled in you, even if I for a time didn't. Sure I was able to justify it to myself, but again the looks of those in my command kept telling me otherwise."

"The hell of it all Commander is you couldn't even call me when you needed help down there. And when you brought Mac home, instead of giving you well-deserved hero's welcome, I didn't just watch you walk out the door, I pushed you out."

Trying to lighten the mood Harm remarked a bit  
>sarcastically, "Well parades aren't all they're cracked up to be."<p>

AJ dressed Harm down with a glance.

"Do you know how you came to be reinstated at JAG Harm?"

"The Imes cases."

"Sure that was a part of it, but it was just an excuse. Hell, if you didn't come back you would have been called back involuntarily."

"You know when you landed that C-130 on the Seahawk I got a call at 2am. Nothing like having the President call you wondering why the Navy's poster boy and JAG's best prosecutor and defense attorney is now working for the CIA. He told me what I already knew and decided. It was time for you to come home."

"You got me fired from the CIA?" The Admiral nodded. "And here I thought Webb had a hand in it."

"Well technically he did." AJ laughed. "Break a guy's nose once and he's pretty open to suggestion. The CIA knew what they had in you."

"The talk in Blacksburg didn't go exactly as planned." AJ recalled. "I just hoped in the end you'd remember who you were and where you belonged."

"In an odd sort of way Sir, if it weren't for you, I wouldn't have Mattie in my life."

"Sometimes Harm, blessings come out of the worst of circumstances."

"My life and career seem to be a testament to that." Harm thought aloud.

Harm took another swallow of his drink. The bourbon continued to loosen his inhibition of saying what was on his mind.

"The Admiral made sure upon my return to JAG that my life would be hell. It was as if you brought me back to punish me for leaving."

"Fair assessment. I was angry at us both. I also wanted you to prove to both of us that JAG was still where you belonged. Unfortunately, while you were bogged down in the proving of yourself, I lost sight that you were there because of who you were and you had already proven yourself, at least to me, time and time again."

AJ's revelations continued to surprise Harm.

"You know everyone wanted to know the real reason for my retirement. As I told you all, there were several reasons. One reason I left out Harm was you."

"Me?"

"You Harm, and the words of Tom Boone. And I did so without any reservation."

"I'm sorry Harm…for it all."

Harm was rendered speechless.

AJ reached for the bag and handed it to Harm.

"For you Commander."

Harm looked into the bag seeing that it was the painting of Arleigh "31-knot" Burke that Commander Krennick hung in the Admiral's office that first day.

"It's to hang in your office as a reminder now, and when you become the Judge Advocate General, never forget who and what you are."

"Admiral, I don't know what to say."

"Let's just say goodnight Commander."

Harm put some money on the bar, and both men walked out of the door together.

Shaking hands and saying their goodbyes, Harm for the final time stood at attention saluting AJ Chegwidden. As AJ turned and walked away, he allowed himself to look back one more time with a smile.

~The End~


End file.
